Figuring out who I am (part II)
I am extremely lucky, I am fully aware of this. I have a husband that takes care of me, I have the perfect son, I have my Sister and Mom, and I have an amazing best friend. I know I can count on them at any time. The issue is that I hate having to ask for help, it makes me feel like a complete failure, I feel like I am disappointing everyone all the time.
We moved from Florida to Georgia at the end of 2019 to have some stations and enjoy days with better weather for me.
As I mentioned in my last post, I was diagnosed with Lupus. This is an autoimmune disease (if you want more information you can go to this link https://www.lupus.org/understanding-lupus) that affects your body in different ways and it depends on the person what gets affected and what are their triggers, for me, being exposed to sunlight, and or heat, I have to be careful with what I eat, need to have proper sleep, try to be relaxed and have a somewhat healthy emotional health. And yes, it is very difficult to do everything right.
One of my biggest triggers to have a flare is stress, and it sucks that I have to plan everything, and even taking all precautions there is no way to be sure that I will be feeling fine.
I can have days that I have energy and can do things! What I have not been able to properly do is not losing my mind and trying to do EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can still feel great the next day, but most of the time I pay greatly for it.
Socializing is draining, I am always making sure I don’t show how much pain I’m in, or how exhausted I am. I don’t want to accept that I am no longer the person I was, hoping that a miracle will happen and I am cured, and mourning your old self is hard. Trying to figure out how to make the best of what you have and remember to be thankful isn’t always easy. Usually the little things are the ones that break me down.
Trips that I postpone because it wasn’t the right time, because there wasn’t money and when there was money, other things were more important and now going to Morocco, Bali, and any other place that before I considered perfect is something that I will have to plan, hope, pray and in a realistic way, avoid.
I was a sun worshipper, the beach was my happy place, the smell of the ocean, getting in the water were things that brought me peace. If I was having a hard time, there was the option of going to the beach, bring a good book and stay as long as I wanted. I miss it dearly.
One of the ways I try to make things nicer is by joking that I am a vampire in the process of transformation, and I am still waiting for the perks and superpowers. But admitting it out loud sucks! And it also sucks the pity looks, or people feeling sorry for me. And since most days “I don’t look sick”, having people telling me to think positive or to exercise more, or the cure that a friend of the cousins neighbor did and now it’s completely healthy, and I understand is with good intentions, but if there was a way to make it go away I would have done it years ago!
Back to the present day, when we moved, my plan was to get a realtor license for Georgia,since the one from Florida didn’t work here. But the move, adapting to a new place and missing everyone I love sent me to one of the worse flares I’ve had so far.
In early 2018 I took 3 or 4 sewing lessons and In that class, we made pajama pants. It was a great feeling to say, I made this!
Since I am crazy I decided to make my dress for my son’s college graduation, an additional dress, and pants. Surprisingly enough they came out good, I guess this made me feel that I could sew anything I wanted to. Well, I was wrong.
In late 2019 I decided to take a class to learn how to make quilts and I met a great lady that introduced me to the world of embroidering machines. I was hooked. (no pun intended)
Making something that can be used by someone is a great feeling of accomplishment and in a way it helps me feel like I can still be useful
Right now in the middle of the pandemic I am completely isolated due to being in immunosuppressants, having asthma, other autoimmune issues, and just not wanting to take unnecessary chances.
I feel lonely some days, others I just have so many things that are behind and need to be done that I don’t have time to think about it. I stay in touch with my Sister, BFF, and my Mom, besides them, I joined all kinds of groups and I interact there with some people, and I am trying to find more things to do from home. The hardest months are during summer, I can see people having fun outside, spending time with their families and friends, I get notifications for events that I would like to attend, but I can’t, I have days that just stepping out of my house for a couple of minutes leave me drained for days.
I am glad I decided to write again, this is something I’ve always enjoyed. I have used writing since I learned how to write, I used to write stories, and write letters to my parents when I felt I couldn’t say it verbally, I still do it with my loved ones, it’s just easier than talking and it comes more natural for me.
As days go by (and it honestly feels like time is going by faster), I am still trying to figure out who I am, I have to find new things to bring me joy, and I am being forced to reinvent myself, I am learning to not talk down to my self, I am trying to find my self worthy of love, but the most difficult part is to learn to be ok with it, that it’s ok to not be sure who I am regardless of being 41.
I am extremely lucky, I am fully aware of this. I have a husband that takes care of me, I have the perfect son, I have my Sister and Mom, and I have an amazing best friend. I know I can count on them at any time. The issue is that I hate having to…