But then, why do we stay in this situation?  Have you ever asked yourself if maybe there is a part of you that has some level of pleasure by suffering? Is it like an adrenaline rush, the same kind that adventurer seekers get when they jump off a cliff? Or could it be because you really don’t know better?

I know people that create issues where there are none, I know I have done it myself, and I am definitely not proud of that behavior, unfortunately at the time I really didn’t know different than living like that, in constant chaos, having so much dysfunctionality in my life that could horrify anyone that had some level of a normal life.  Even now there are so many things that I still see as normal until I hear myself saying them and it hits me.  This is not the example I want my son to have.  I am a Latina and I don’t know if it was growing with watching novelas (soap operas) that we got it ingrained that we are supposed to suffer, that guys are supposed to be jerks and hurt us, and that we had to prove our love by forgiving everything over and over. 

We are thought to compete against other women instead of supporting each other, and this is not a Latin thing, I see it amongst Americans as well (can’t speak of other cultures since I am not as familiar with them).

Is like the only way we can feel that we are achieving something is based on how much we struggled to arrive at the point when we feel we are succeeding. 

Am I the only one that questions why? I know I am tired of having to “be strong” and deal with all kinds of issues, whether they are mine, my family, strangers, etc. 

I really want peace, I want to not worry about everything and everyone all the time, like this shit, got old a really long time. But why do I remain in contact with people that only bring distress to my life? Why do I still want to help people and make sure they don’t feel pain, or if there is a way for me to help them fix something, I am there.  Now, helping someone when you can is something that we need more of, but at some point, you need to accept that some people say they want help, but they are not ready to change, and by you sticking by them, it’s only going to drag you down with them, and knowing all these you still stay.

Some people are worth us trying several times, and giving them a hand more than once, but when you try to help someone stay afloat, while they keep accumulating rocks on their pockets while they keep sinking should be a no-brainer for you to walk away.

I personally think there are many options, one being that if you have been hurt, you want to protect the people you love, and we like to feel needed, we like to feel that we can make a difference, and is also easier to focus on others and avoid looking into what we need to change and improve.

I honestly believe that is one of the reasons why social media is so successful, it gives us an advantage point to see into other people’s lives.  We can see who gain weight, who lost weight, what they are doing, and what they are not doing, I mean you can literally even see what people are eating.  And somehow we find that looking into others you can feel better about your life, or worse! But we keep coming back every day for more. 

I bet you or someone that you know has looked for an ex- Friend, ex-boyfriend, ex-boss, etc. and if we are honest, what are you achieving by this? You can feel better that you are in a better place or worse if they are thriving and you are in the same place or somewhere worse than where you were?

The only way to explain this is that in a deep dark part of our brain we crave some level of suffering, well Stockholm syndrome is a real thing after all, as well, that we are afraid of letting go, that so many of us prefer to be in a bad place than taking a chance to be in a better place,  you know the whole thing about “The grass is always greener…” But what if it really is greener, or what if it’s teal (my favorite color) and actually teal works better for you than green?

Life is too short to live in pain and fear, way too short to be unhappy and you can’t really be happy unless you are at peace.

So, ask yourself if deep down you are addicted to suffering, or what is really stopping you from leaving everything that takes your peace away from you.  We all deserve to be happy but not at the expense of taking away someone else’s joy and peace, or more important, we can’t give our joy and peace, to make someone else happy.  

For me it is fear,  that’s one of my biggest demons that I have to fight every day.

I am afraid of so many things is ridiculous, and as much as my rational side tries to explain to the less rational side that is all a hypothesis that most likely will never become more than that, I still waste too much time and energy on all the what if’s.

Have you ever played a conversation in your head, and all the smart things you could have said but instead you just said something stupid or even worse, didn’t say a thing?

How about the clothes we keep for years hoping that one day you might fit in them again.  I have 2 pairs of jeans that I refused to give away. For the first time I am glad I did! They are no longer being made and now I can use them again.  It only took me 10 years!!! Let that sink in, please go ahead, I’ll wait.  

I kept 2 jeans for 10 years!!! And the chances of this miracle happening were almost zero.  I honestly have just theories of how I lost the weight, but seriously, I could have just looked for another pair and not kept them, pack and unpack them 4 times, but I wasn’t able to let go.  I was emotionally attached to them, they reminded me of a time that I was more secure and have more faith in myself, whether it was due to being young and naive, or just because I had a long road of getting beat down by the universe, and becoming who I am today.

Accepting me for who I am today and not the person that a 20 year old used to think I would be has been hard, a lot of work and a lot of steps forward and plenty back.

Letting go is hard, because it forces us to look at the present, because most things that we hold on have some type of meaning, no matter how insignificant it is, because they still give us a strong emotion that a part of us needs to hold on to.

Some things are worth keeping, memories of loved ones that might not be with us anymore, and since I apparently love to overshare, on this subject, I have a ziplock storage bag with a best and a sweater that belonged to my grandma, and I knew I was going to miss her, just knowing that I could see her, see the love she had for us was something that many times I took for granted, and now I can’t take them out of that bag for more than a couple of minutes, because it still smells like her, and in a way it’s how I feel close to her.

But, I also have so many things that just act like weights while I am trying to swim.  And I say many times that I will get a couple of days to check everything and do a proper cleaning only to end up with one, maybe two garbage bags and not much difference.

Same goes for emotions, for pain, for dreams that didn’t happen, for things that we probably wish we could change, and what for?

Imagine waking up one day and not feeling angry with someone who did something that affected your life, imagine looking at something that you haven’t used in months or even years (cough, cough, like 2 pairs of jeans), and just having that free space, both physically and mentally!

What’s the ultimate goal in your life? Mine is to have peace, like real peace.  I want to be with my parents and not feel any frustration, I want to look at the mirror and not hope to look different, I want to be ok with being tired sometimes just because my body needs the rest, I want to go into my craft/sewing room and get rid of a bunch of things and not see them as prospect projects.

We allow so many things to disrupt our lives.  I just ask you to think every time that someone, or something makes you feel uncomfortable, angry, sad, or any other unpleasant thing you feel, what is it really what’s bothering you. 

I used to be angry with my mom, for the longest time I couldn’t understand why she was so different with my sister compared to how she was to me. Till I finally got it! I was born premature, and my Grandad (her father whom she adored) died when I was supposed to be born.  I can’t imagine having a premature baby, dealing with the postpartum emotions and on top of that having to deal with losing one of the most important people in my life, all in one month.  She didn’t have the chance to bond with me, she did the best she could and I understood that I needed to be as independent as I could, and in her mind that’s all it was to it.  I was independent, and I learned to create a wall to feel protected, while at the same time I believed that I needed to work to be loved, like work for it! I learned to cook at an early age, just to be able to show affection and get some praise, and cooking is still one of my ways to show love. And even worse, as much as it has improved my inner child still hurts, and I have days that I still feel hurt, but understanding her has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

And if you think about it, not only people close to us have hurt us, deeply, some people seem to just bee mean and A**holes, until you know that so many people are living with as much or more fear than you, they might have even more insecurities than you and this is the only way they know how to cope with it. 

So many people have learned that being a D**k is a way to show power that humiliating others can make you feel better about yourself. And I am sorry to say that so many of these people will never see anything wrong with the way they are, or even worse, they are aware of it, deep down they don’t want to hurt anyone, but they never learned to control their emotions, and how to work on themselves instead of using others.

The fastest you accept that we can’t change how people behave, but we can control how their behavior affects our life, the fastest you can start to heal, to see that letting go of things, pain, unhealthy relationships is a scary but wonderful feeling. 

I’m not saying it is easy, all I’m saying is that a process that requires work and takes time, but at the end is absolutely worth it!

Being diagnosed with Lupus was weird, that’s the best word I can think of to describe it.  

I had heard about Lupus, but I honestly never paid attention, I mean it was something very isolated that a very little amount of the population was diagnosed with it, so thinking of me being part of the little group didn’t sink in for a while.

I can’t lie, having a diagnosis was great! At least I wasn’t crazy or a hypochondriac. A win, so many people spend years doing tests, seeing all kinds of doctors, only to be told you have nothing, just lose weight, think positive, given antidepressants, and then just ignored.  

When it was time to find out what it was, and I’m sure as all of you know technology is a blessing and a curse, You, your friends, family, me, and everyone with access to doctor google have gone down the rabbit hole. 

I can tell you that I was terrified, I mean that sounded super serious (it can be) and I was not even forty, my son was still in college, I had so many plans for the future. Did this mean my life was going to be cut short? Or worse, was I going to end up not able to do anything on my own, having to get organ transplants and a whole other list of complications that are entirely possible?

Have you ever wonder what is like to have to give up most of the things that bring you joy? And they were mainly the little things that don’t even cross our minds, things like going to the beach, gardening in late spring and summer, just spending time outdoors on sunny beautiful days, things you like to eat, do the workouts you enjoy, socializing, things that you don’t even think about, they are just part of life, are not recommended and if you do it, they come with a very high price you have to pay.

Well, I was in denial for a while, Refusing to accept the diagnosis was easier than dealing with the truth, and then be willing to do the changes required to slow down the progression is another thing on its own.  

You go through all the stages of grief (denial, anger, bargaining., depression, acceptance), and it’s difficult to understand and accept that the person you are mourning is you.

Plain and simple, the person “you” that existed has to change and in a way die to be reborn someone else.  And I hope you can imagine how hard this is.

Things change from one day to the next, and you jump from one stage of grief to the other in completely random order.  I can be depressed one day, try to bargain with God, (or whatever higher force you believe in), next day accepted, only to be back to be on denial again, and just be angry, especially if I get to have a couple of good days in a row.  And this cycle goes on and on and on.

I try to find the best way to deal with things that are not comfortable to talk about, or accept, my go-to do is to use sarcasm and a dark sense of humor, but even that sometimes isn’t enough, and I think I said this before. The little things are the ones that always break you. 

Most of the time when I  think I am doing fine, that I accepted that I can still do a lot of things, I just need to find other ways to do them and it all be ok.  

But then thinking of everything I have to consider before doing anything, just to try to avoid paying for it for weeks, having to pretty much hibernate all summer, and tell people that you are fine, that it’s ok for them to enjoy, and it is if we are honest having someone else have fun doing things I can’t make any difference besides me feeling guilty for them not being able to enjoy them.  I have never understood people that believe that if they can’t do something then others shouldn’t do it, that’s BS.

I learned a long time ago that life goes on whether you are part of it or not, and that nobody is necessary, wanted yes, but not necessary.

And now I had to accept that is 100% my responsibility what I do and how that affects me and the people I care about.  

It took a while to accept that the little spoon of arequipe (dulce de leche), as much as I loved it cost me greatly, and it wasn’t just the pain on the following days, but the damage I was doing to my body.

Eating things that brought me joy for 5 min were all of the sudden not worth it, and don’t get me wrong, the temptation is there, ALL THE TIME!  But at some point, you just have to accept that is not worth it.

The hardest part, at least for me is the mental health side of this.  Being independent and reliable has always been super important, and now I am learning that is ok to not be able to do everything, that I can not make plans a month in advance, especially not on days when I am feeling good, having those days give you a feeling of everything is back to normal and maybe I am healed! 

Well, I am not.  At least not yet.  I have faith that this can be reversed, but it’s going to be a long road, getting here was not overnight, now it’s time to work on fixing.

I hope that at least some of you could relate to feeling guilty for not being there for others, or for being in so much pain that you have to negotiate with yourself to go down to the stairs, or simply getting out of bed, sometimes even being in bed, and at the same time being too proud to ask for help.

The biggest lesson I’ve had is that dealing with our inner demons is a 24/7 job, that everything in life is a chance for a lesson, and that sometimes you don’t want that lesson at all, but in the end is all about what you make of it. Also, there are battles you win and others you lose, but everything and Everything has a consequence and the only one that can change anything is you. 

One of the weirdest things we do as humans is self-sabotage.

Do you know what I mean?  When you are trying to lose weight and start to making progress, you know that awesome feeling to see numbers dropping, then you give in to the urge to indulge and fall of the wagon, and this is all ok… If we got right back on.  But instead, these little indulgences just keep on happening and the easiest way to go about it is to lie to ourselves and start again, next Monday.

That is the same that happens with so many things, you know you need more sleep, for goodness sakes sometimes when you look at the mirror is like watching a character from the walking dead, and at that moment you promise that tonight, I am going to bed earlier, and you might do it for a couple of nights, but then old habits just come back and get back in the same place they were.

What about having peace in your life? WE all have that one thing that triggers all the wrong emotions in us, but for some reason, you want to leave them, but you can’t, you know that person that isn’t really your friend, that makes you feel awful, but at the same time, you can’t help yourself and remain in contact, those videos that give you anxiety, but you are subscribe to receive them, or just watch them so often that now they are part of your feed in any social media platform that you use.

There is this dark part of us that somehow enjoys suffering, even the people that say they don’t and will never, I can assure you, that at some point they have and most likely secretly do. 

I think that’s why we are so fascinated with scandals from famous people. There is a part of us that believe they have achieved all the things we can’t and probably will never do or have in our lives, but then you go and find an article, post, news segment showing how they are not so different to you.  

And then we have to ask, why?  Why are some people more inclined to stick to routines, to regiments, to maintain a steady path that keeps going higher and higher.

Well, I have a couple of ideas.  Do you think is because they were honest with themselves? They fully accepted that things halfway most of the time are the same as nothing, or even more harmful.  

If I tell you that you have two choices to reach the weight you always wanted?  The first option is to wake up every day early, meditate and then work out, drink only water while doing this, oh! Because you also need to fast for sixteen hours, then you need to stop getting food from restaurants and need to cook at least 95% of your meals and you need to do this for the rest of your life, switching a couple of things here and there, but sticking to this regiment.

The second option is to take a pill that will make the weight loss happen, we don’t know how it really works, or what’s in it, and there is a high probability that you get some serious stomach issues and long term develops some permanent health issues, but the chances are not that big, I mean you probably have seen the testimonials, and it seems safe enough. 

Let’s be honest, which one would you choose?

I am pretty sure that if you are being honest you’ll go with the second one, at least in your head, but we all know how this is wrong and the first option is actually the right one. 

Want to know how I am this sure about this? Because I have been there so many times! You and I always want to find the easiest way to get the fastest result with the least amount of effort without considering that they are just temporary fixes that don’t come for free.

I love, LOVE!!!! Sweats, baking goods, carbs, you name it! All the things that seem to have something to make it super addictive.  Do you know what’s worse? I love to bake and I am pretty decent about it.  I used to lie to myself that whatever I had made wasn’t bad, I wasn’t eating it every day, I used less sugar than most people and I barely tasted it.  

You know that you have done this when you know all of this is just BS, You ate a whole piece of that cake and called it a taste.  And you know how you knew it was more than a taste? Because your body showed you.  You probably woke up the next day and felt “Puffy”, well which is called inflammation and is your body telling you that whatever that was, it wasn’t good for your health, and as we age we keep getting more and more warning signs that we just ignore until ignoring them isn’t an option.  And then we go to the doctor, and you hear the same two options I gave you before, and here we go again.  What do you honestly think you’ll choose?

As I am writing here I am thinking how much I would love to have something “forbidden” right now or go quickly to the ice cream shop that is so good! And use the excuse to go out with my husband since we can’t really go to a restaurant, we can at least have that romantic eating ice cream in the car, and I can think of many other things.

Do you know what’s the ultimate solution? Honesty, but honesty with yourself, to for once value things long-term, not just the quick fix or immediate satisfaction.

Now, the last thing I can leave for you is to ask yourself, What are you willing to do to achieve your goals?  Put the work regardless of the effort to achieve a long term, finally becoming who you’ve always meant to be, or keep trying quick fixes with results that go away even faster than you can think?

The biggest challenge, at least for me, has been to learn to love myself, to appreciate myself, and to accept that I deserve better, but that I have to take responsibility and I am the only one that can choose what’s more important, having 5 minutes enjoying something, or being able to do things with my family and be there for them. 

In a lot of cultures, you should go to college, get a degree and that was going to be what you were going to do for the rest of your life, regardless of how you felt about it. 

But times change, life changes and not everyone has the same options, circumstances, and definitely, not everyone has the same opportunities. 

Now in 2021, we have noticed how things are changing, more and more people are working from home, creating new opportunities and other ways to make a living with more freedom and rewards. 

Years ago, I felt some level of shame that I didn’t get to finish college, but things in my life didn’t help me to get a degree.

I have done different kinds of jobs, from office to working in construction, cleaning, as I mentioned before I worked in a lab, being a realtor and I am sure there are other things that I have done.

Having done so many things means that I can do pretty much everything, and it’s allowed me the freedom to change and know that no matter how scared I am, I know deep down that I’ll figure out the way to make it, and with time be good at it. 

Is this the best way to go about your life? Hell no! And at the same time, it’s not something for everyone.  

I have learned most things on my own, a lot of times by doing all the wrong things first, and then figuring out the right way.  But isn’t this what life is about?

We wouldn’t be who we are if our ancestors didn’t try things and created the careers that existed.  Someone had to defend another person in a conflict, and then laws were created, and voila! We have lawyers.

We used to have medicine people, now we have doctors and thankfully we have done a lot of advances, but what we don’t think about is all the trials and errors that happened before we arrived where we are.  And even more important, if someone didn’t dare try something new, and pretty sure with plenty of opposition we wouldn’t have things like antibiotics.

If people didn’t try new things we wouldn’t have skyscrapers, airplanes, cars, smartphones, or even this blog.

So many good things exist because someone tried something new, that I can’t understand why there is this shadow of shame to someone that has done many things and that is willing to do many more.

We need to normalized starting new things regardless of age, we need to normalize that not everyone can afford to have professional training, and we need to encourage people to try new things, that it’s ok to change your mind about what you want to, that you are not the same person when you graduate high school, college, or even after working in the same job for years, you need to be able to say that this is not the right thing for me and move towards something that brings joy.

I know, very well that many times it’s now an option to leave your job, and you live from one check to the next, and not being able to get that money can set you into a hole, and getting out of it is more difficult every time. 

Now, that being said, sometimes the only way to make a change and finally doing what you want, what you dreamed, and what makes you happy is when life makes the decision for you and drops you into the unknown.

Life is unexpected, our world is changing rapidly, the way we live is changing, new generations have different priorities, and the world we grew up in, is not the same and will not be the same.  Change is constant and necessary. 

So, next time that someone says anything about a jack of all trades, just think about a person that is capable to survive, even when they don’t believe it themselves  

Before starting this post I hesitated… A LOT! I don’t want to just write about hard things, I want to also show all the good things I have, but lately, I feel like I’m the coyote from the roadrunner show and life is the roadrunner. 

I am hoping not to be the only one that feels this way, and I think is important for people to not feel ashamed to say how they truly feel.

I don’t know who came up with the concept of positivity as we have it right now.  On days like today, I can punch someone for telling me to think positive.

There are days that plain and simply SUCK! Some days I wake up feeling like I can take on anything! I am unstoppable! Move away, superheroes! I am here to take your job and save the world. 

And there are days like today.  I just feel overwhelmed, tired, lost, afraid, and useless. 

Dreaming could be exhilarating, bring you happy emotions, and looking into what you hope your future could be is uplifting. That is until you hit one roadblock after another, take the wrong turn, lose your map, hit your pinky toe with every corner, spill your coffee and find yourself in a dark forest with sounds of scary creatures that I’m sure are coming to get me.  The worst part is that all of this torment is just in my head. 

Every day we all work so hard to smile, to not burden people with our difficulties because everyone is expected to have a bright outlook about everything, and for sure someone is having a harder time than you.  But the only thing we are promoting is to teach others that their feelings don’t matter. 

I strongly believe in having a  good cry, feel sorry for yourself for a little, then get up and keep going.  But what about when you keep on this cycle, what if it’s just like living in a constant state of Deja Vu, no matter how many things you change or try to change, you end up right where you started. 

It’s so hard to judge someone, God knows I’ve done it more times than I can feel proud to say out loud, and now I am having a lesson that things aren’t always what they seem. 

Meditating, having a healthy diet, and even if everything around you is perfect, there is no guaranty that you’ll be happy all the time, heck you might not even be happy for a very long time.

Usually, I try to be positive, I mean, people used to make fun of me because I was always in the mindset that something good was around the corner, those bad things could be turned into good things and somehow I always found the bright side on everything.  And now, If I could see my old self the least I would do is roll my eyes and think, just wait, life will beat that mindset out of you, one hit stronger than the last one until you can’t find the light, even if it’s in your face.

I remember telling my son over and over that as long as you have options you’ll be fine.  But what about when you don’t have that many? At least not the kind you need? What if you feel that you are drowning and don’t know how to stay afloat?

It could be having a dead-end job, being in a bad relationship, having addictions (drugs, food, alcohol, etc), and not knowing how to switch paths, or just don’t have the means for it.

People in dead-end jobs are there because they are afraid that if they leave they might not find anything better and they might end up in a worse place, people in bad relationships are afraid that they won’t find someone better, they might depend economically, or they are concern on how others will think of them if they leave, people with addictions want to change, but many don’t have the support to go to an AA meeting, someone that shows they believe in them or money to go to a good rehab facility or access to professional help. 

And God! The pressure to seem like you have everything under control all the time is so tiring.  If you are a Mom, you are expected to do everything, deal with family issues, do house chores that never end, be a nagging wife, and of course share with the world that the best in the universe is to be a mom #blessed!

If you are a guy, then you need to show economical success, be a stud, have a sixpack, and after you get married either become a dominant male or the one that becomes useless and depends fully on their wife all depending on your culture, but no matter what you do, is either the wrong thing or not enough.

How the hell did we end up with these standards? And even more, how are we expected to fit in when we are all different, regardless of what we have in common we are different and that’s part of being an individual! 

On days like today, the only thing I look forward to, is to go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better. 

Thankfully as we were having dinner I was showing my new designs to my husband, and one of the signs/pillows I am making says that.  “I know my Limits. I just choose to ignore them”, and he suggested I should write about it since it’s one of the things that I struggle the most with.

The thing is, I have days that I have slightly less energy than a healthy person, and these are the days I like to push my luck. 

I never thought of waking up feeling beyond tired, don’t get me wrong,  I have been tired, I was a teen mom, I worked, took care of my kid, and when he was very young I worked events. On a weekend I’ll be back home around 4:30 to 5:00 am.  I was the first person at the venue and the last one to leave.   And if you have kids or know someone that has kids, you know that they don’t sleep in! They are up and running with a full battery no later than 7 am.  I had regular business hours during the week and band rehearsal one day a week.  I didn’t have to go to the rehearsals every week, but if we had a big event I had to. 

I didn’t sleep much, didn’t eat great, and had too much on my plate.  I was tired a lot! 

But nothing like what I feel now.   Waking up feeling that you are made of lead and having so much pain that you are not even sure what hurts exactly since everything hurts and there is no way to pinpoint it to a specific area, you are just in pain.

Having a balance is really hard because I never know for sure how I am going to feel, I can wake up feeling great and two hours later be completely drained.  I also know that if I do “too much” I will pay for it, sometimes for days, but if I don’t finish doing what I need to do, is just going to become one more thing on a list that grows every week.  

The way I see it and justify it, at least to my self is that things don’t stop accumulating, the world doesn’t stop just because I can’t do things that need to be done, and since there is no way to predict exactly how I am going to feel, I need to take advantage of those moments. 

I love to cook and bake. If I was making burgers I seasoned the beef, had everything ready, I even made my own buns. And the food is one of the ways I show love. 

If I would have to think about this a few years ago, I would still say that I wasn’t doing enough, never worried how much work they took, I just did it.  Now I have to plan ahead, prep as many things when I have the energy, and try to plan as if the next day I was going to be down. 

Also, I have an immunosuppressant injection every Tuesday (I do mine at night before going to sleep), sometimes it goes smooth, just normal discomfort, other times I have awful nausea and I feel horrible.  Knowing this I try to plan ahead as much as I can, I try to leave food made for Wednesday, leave the kitchen clean, make important calls, and do anything else that needs to be tackled sooner rather than later. 

I know I’ll be in pain, I know I’ll be drained to a point that I can fall asleep while seating and waking up feeling as tired as if I didn’t sleep for days, but I just can not do things. 

Accepting that you have a limited amount of energy or a limited number of spoons as it’s better explained by Christine Miserandino  https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/  in the post that I just linked. 

Having to accept that you are no longer a person that can do everything, is hard, like very hard.  I think about when people age and you go from being young, attractive, and full of life to someone that chooses to stay at home and watch a movie than going to a bar, you start becoming less relevant, and in many ways we become invisible.

I hate being unreliable, I can’t commit to many things, because I just don’t know.  All I know is if that is something important, I’ll just ignore all the warning signs and do it anyway.  

This goes to so many of us, not just about having energy, it goes to health, it goes to toxic relationships in our lives, it goes to all kinds of addictions.  I admit, that I am kind of addicted to TikTok, I didn’t want to believe I was going to be so into it, but here I am.  I have people I follow that I look forward to their contents, but if we are honest, it’s not healthy for us, especially if you stay up till late.

Many of us have been in bad relationships, and we are way past what we thought would be the things we would not put up with, but we stay.  Only to see how the line was crossed a long time ago, how you passed any limit you knew was acceptable for you, and just stay regardless of the cost.

There was that Job that cost you friends, relationships, health and you knew you should have left it, but you stayed.

Having limits is something easy to see and set when you are looking from away, but when you are the one living it, we all know we pass the limit and choose to ignore it. 

We moved from Florida to Georgia at the end of 2019 to have some stations and enjoy days with better weather for me. 

As I mentioned in my last post, I was diagnosed with Lupus.  This is an autoimmune disease (if you want more information you can go to this link https://www.lupus.org/understanding-lupus) that affects your body in different ways and it depends on the person what gets affected and what are their triggers,  for me, being exposed to sunlight, and or heat, I have to be careful with what I eat, need to have proper sleep, try to be relaxed and have a somewhat healthy emotional health. And yes, it is very difficult to do everything right. 

One of my biggest triggers to have a flare is stress, and it sucks that I have to plan everything, and even taking all precautions there is no way to be sure that I will be feeling fine. 

I can have days that I have energy and can do things! What I have not been able to properly do is not losing my mind and trying to do EVERYTHING. Sometimes I can still feel great the next day, but most of the time I pay greatly for it. 

Socializing is draining, I am always making sure I don’t show how much pain I’m in, or how exhausted I am.  I don’t want to accept that I am no longer the person I was, hoping that a miracle will happen and I am cured, and mourning your old self is hard.  Trying to figure out how to make the best of what you have and remember to be thankful isn’t always easy.  Usually the little things are the ones that break me down.  

Trips that I postpone because it wasn’t the right time, because there wasn’t money and when there was money, other things were more important and now going to Morocco, Bali, and any other place that before I considered perfect is something that I will have to plan, hope, pray and in a realistic way, avoid.

I was a sun worshipper, the beach was my happy place, the smell of the ocean, getting in the water were things that brought me peace.  If I was having a hard time, there was the option of going to the beach, bring a good book and stay as long as I wanted.  I miss it dearly. 

One of the ways I try to make things nicer is by joking that I am a vampire in the process of transformation, and I am still waiting for the perks and superpowers.  But admitting it out loud sucks! And it also sucks the pity looks, or people feeling sorry for me.  And since most days “I don’t look sick”, having people telling me to think positive or to exercise more, or the cure that a friend of the cousins neighbor did and now it’s completely healthy, and I understand is with good intentions, but if there was a way to make it go away I would have done it years ago!

Back to the present day, when we moved, my plan was to get a realtor license for Georgia,since the one from Florida didn’t work here.  But the move, adapting to a new place and missing everyone I love sent me to one of the worse flares I’ve had so far.

In early 2018 I took 3 or 4 sewing lessons and In that class, we made pajama pants.  It was a great feeling to say, I made this!

Since I am crazy I decided to make my dress for my son’s college graduation, an additional dress, and pants.  Surprisingly enough they came out good, I guess this made me feel that I could sew anything I wanted to.  Well, I was wrong.

In late 2019 I decided to take a class to learn how to make quilts and I met a great lady that introduced me to the world of embroidering machines. I was hooked. (no pun intended)

Making something that can be used by someone is a great feeling of accomplishment and in a way it helps me feel like I can still be useful

Right now in the middle of the pandemic I am completely isolated due to being in immunosuppressants, having asthma, other autoimmune issues, and just not wanting to take unnecessary chances. 

I feel lonely some days, others I just have so many things that are behind and need to be done that I don’t have time to think about it.  I stay in touch with my Sister, BFF, and my Mom, besides them, I joined all kinds of groups and I interact there with some people, and I am trying to find more things to do from home.  The hardest months are during summer, I can see people having fun outside, spending time with their families and friends, I get notifications for events that I would like to attend, but I can’t,  I have days that just stepping out of my house for a couple of minutes leave me drained for days.

I am glad I decided to write again, this is something I’ve always enjoyed.  I have used writing since I learned how to write, I used to write stories, and write letters to my parents when I felt I couldn’t say it verbally, I still do it with my loved ones, it’s just easier than talking and it comes more natural for me. 

As days go by (and it honestly feels like time is going by faster), I am still trying to figure out who I am, I have to find new things to bring me joy, and I am being forced to reinvent myself, I am learning to not talk down to my self, I am trying to find my self worthy of love, but the most difficult part is to learn to be ok with it, that it’s ok to not be sure who I am regardless of being 41.

So many of us identify as belonging to someone, to a title, to a career, and when you lose any of those… Well, there is a huge empty void that you don’t know how to fill.

I have done pretty much all kinds of work, I went from being a teen mom, having a kid to having a wonderful adult man that is independent and doesn’t need me, at least not the way a small kid needs his mom.    I have identified myself as a Mom, Sister, Daughter, wife, I’ve been a realtor twice, worked in a research lab as a phlebotomist (getting people’s blood and processing it), I worked in events, construction and I can keep on going on the list.  But all of those job options were in my life because I needed to work, not because I always dreamed to do them, but at the same part they were me, and part of me. 

I didn’t love working in customer service and dealing with all kinds of issues daily, I mean if you are calling somewhere is not usually to tell them how happy you are, but I am extremely thankful for this job.  It allowed me to be home (it was a home-based customer service job) with my kid when he was little, I could drop him off and pick him up, but being in the house all the time got a little too much for me, especially since I was in my 20’s and I lived in Miami.  I needed to see adults and get fresh air and sunlight!

I enjoy medical things, I find fascinating how we have things that we take for granted as antibiotics and blood test! So working in the lab was a great experience, but that kept me from my kid and I’ve always been aware that you can not get back missed time, and kids grow to be adults that have their own lives. 

I had moments of being very comfortable money-wise and others that I had to struggle to pay necessities. 

I learned to adapt and learned based on what was in front of me and at the same time feeling like a failure. I hated not being able to give my kid everything I would have liked, having to deny things or experiences because I could’ t afford them, I had times that I needed to calculate miles to make sure I had enough gas until I got paid again, but I was thankful to always have food on the table, at least for my son. At the same time, I hated not having a career that brought joy.  Don’t get me wrong, I have learned a lot of things that come in handy, I can say he never went hungry and had everything that was needed, and thankfully my sister was able to get him things I couldn’t, and deep down I felt like I was failing. 

Sometimes we try and try and is like we are swimming against the current, I have been so tired and lost so many times that I lost count.

A few years back I got my realtor license again, and I enjoyed it! I love to see the joy when people get their keys, watching them plan a new chapter in their lives, and is a fun job, regardless of being stressful at times. 

About a year into being back in real estate  I started to get tired out of nowhere, but it wasn’t the kind of tiredness that goes away with rest, my heart rate started to spike and drop, I had issues breathing, and every time I was out for a couple of hours I would come home exhausted and in a lot of pain.  At some point I had to spend days in bed, I could barely move to go to the bathroom, and trust me, depending on someone is not something I can easily deal with. 

If you come to my house, you can be sure that I will not allow you to do ANYTHING!  I get extremely anxious having to ask for help. Just to give you an idea  I drove myself to the hospital when my umbilical hernia busted open.  Therefore being in a situation that I was being less and less capable of doing my normal thing was not only hard, but it made me question myself again.  It felt that I had finally found myself.

After about 5 years of going to doctors in the US and being told that I was depressed, that I needed to work out more, lose weight, sleep more, or that maybe it was all in my head,  I even got to a point of thinking it was in my head.  Finally, my family had enough of seeing my health declining, My mom book tickets for Colombia and off we went with my sister.  In 10 days I got more tests and saw more doctors than the 5 years I had tried here. 

I went back a couple of months later, more tests, and I was diagnosed with Lupus, amongst other things. 

Don’t get me wrong, having a diagnosis after years is great! The not-so-great part is that there isn’t a cure, it’s unpredictable and medications help, but don’t take care of everything. This was my new normal, and I was back to having to question who I was. 

I guess I will start with introducing my self. 

My name is Juanita, I was born in Bogota, Colombia, where I lived until I was 18 or 19 (I am in my 40’s, so it’s been a long time).  I moved to the United States with my son, who at the time he was a baby.

I’ve had quite an eventful life, but I am not going to bore anyone with the details (besides, I’ve been working on a book for quite a while, but that is a different post).

There are so many things that have made me who I am today, many others that I had a very hard time processing and accepting.  I mean if you ever had something difficult to live through, you’ll understand that being in denial just makes it so much easier to live.

If you know me, writing is something I’ve always done. It has always been a  way to process my thoughts and experiences.  This blog was actually created over 13 years ago.  But then things happened, my life changed, my priorities shifted and I let it die, like literally.  All my posts got lost between my iMac dying and the former service I used for hosting.

I believe writing helps clear your mind and see things from a more objective point of view, and as much as it hurt to lose all the work I had put on my original blog, I am thankful for the clean opportunity.  To begin with, I am not the same person I was back there, my life was so different, the way I felt about myself is different, I am less afraid of some things and more afraid of others, my health did a 180 and my dreams had to adapt to my new reality. 

In the last 10 years, so many have changed, I met my husband, and I understood the difference of being with the right person for me, as someone very dear to me once told me “there aren’t good or bad people, just people that are right or wrong for you”, and that is something I always keep close to my heart, we have grown together as persons and as a couple, my boy is no longer a kid (well, to me he will always be my kid), he is a man that makes me very proud every day. 

We live in a different state, I went from having one dog to have two dogs and two cats.

So, as you can see, there is so much to say, to share, and hopefully be able to help people that are going through the same things I did and just share ideas and opinions. 

The only thing left to say here is that I am back!