But then, why do we stay in this situation?  Have you ever asked yourself if maybe there is a part of you that has some level of pleasure by suffering? Is it like an adrenaline rush, the same kind that adventurer seekers get when they jump off a cliff? Or could it be because you really don’t know better?

I know people that create issues where there are none, I know I have done it myself, and I am definitely not proud of that behavior, unfortunately at the time I really didn’t know different than living like that, in constant chaos, having so much dysfunctionality in my life that could horrify anyone that had some level of a normal life.  Even now there are so many things that I still see as normal until I hear myself saying them and it hits me.  This is not the example I want my son to have.  I am a Latina and I don’t know if it was growing with watching novelas (soap operas) that we got it ingrained that we are supposed to suffer, that guys are supposed to be jerks and hurt us, and that we had to prove our love by forgiving everything over and over. 

We are thought to compete against other women instead of supporting each other, and this is not a Latin thing, I see it amongst Americans as well (can’t speak of other cultures since I am not as familiar with them).

Is like the only way we can feel that we are achieving something is based on how much we struggled to arrive at the point when we feel we are succeeding. 

Am I the only one that questions why? I know I am tired of having to “be strong” and deal with all kinds of issues, whether they are mine, my family, strangers, etc. 

I really want peace, I want to not worry about everything and everyone all the time, like this shit, got old a really long time. But why do I remain in contact with people that only bring distress to my life? Why do I still want to help people and make sure they don’t feel pain, or if there is a way for me to help them fix something, I am there.  Now, helping someone when you can is something that we need more of, but at some point, you need to accept that some people say they want help, but they are not ready to change, and by you sticking by them, it’s only going to drag you down with them, and knowing all these you still stay.

Some people are worth us trying several times, and giving them a hand more than once, but when you try to help someone stay afloat, while they keep accumulating rocks on their pockets while they keep sinking should be a no-brainer for you to walk away.

I personally think there are many options, one being that if you have been hurt, you want to protect the people you love, and we like to feel needed, we like to feel that we can make a difference, and is also easier to focus on others and avoid looking into what we need to change and improve.

I honestly believe that is one of the reasons why social media is so successful, it gives us an advantage point to see into other people’s lives.  We can see who gain weight, who lost weight, what they are doing, and what they are not doing, I mean you can literally even see what people are eating.  And somehow we find that looking into others you can feel better about your life, or worse! But we keep coming back every day for more. 

I bet you or someone that you know has looked for an ex- Friend, ex-boyfriend, ex-boss, etc. and if we are honest, what are you achieving by this? You can feel better that you are in a better place or worse if they are thriving and you are in the same place or somewhere worse than where you were?

The only way to explain this is that in a deep dark part of our brain we crave some level of suffering, well Stockholm syndrome is a real thing after all, as well, that we are afraid of letting go, that so many of us prefer to be in a bad place than taking a chance to be in a better place,  you know the whole thing about “The grass is always greener…” But what if it really is greener, or what if it’s teal (my favorite color) and actually teal works better for you than green?

Life is too short to live in pain and fear, way too short to be unhappy and you can’t really be happy unless you are at peace.

So, ask yourself if deep down you are addicted to suffering, or what is really stopping you from leaving everything that takes your peace away from you.  We all deserve to be happy but not at the expense of taking away someone else’s joy and peace, or more important, we can’t give our joy and peace, to make someone else happy.  

For me it is fear,  that’s one of my biggest demons that I have to fight every day.

I am afraid of so many things is ridiculous, and as much as my rational side tries to explain to the less rational side that is all a hypothesis that most likely will never become more than that, I still waste too much time and energy on all the what if’s.

Have you ever played a conversation in your head, and all the smart things you could have said but instead you just said something stupid or even worse, didn’t say a thing?

How about the clothes we keep for years hoping that one day you might fit in them again.  I have 2 pairs of jeans that I refused to give away. For the first time I am glad I did! They are no longer being made and now I can use them again.  It only took me 10 years!!! Let that sink in, please go ahead, I’ll wait.  

I kept 2 jeans for 10 years!!! And the chances of this miracle happening were almost zero.  I honestly have just theories of how I lost the weight, but seriously, I could have just looked for another pair and not kept them, pack and unpack them 4 times, but I wasn’t able to let go.  I was emotionally attached to them, they reminded me of a time that I was more secure and have more faith in myself, whether it was due to being young and naive, or just because I had a long road of getting beat down by the universe, and becoming who I am today.

Accepting me for who I am today and not the person that a 20 year old used to think I would be has been hard, a lot of work and a lot of steps forward and plenty back.

Letting go is hard, because it forces us to look at the present, because most things that we hold on have some type of meaning, no matter how insignificant it is, because they still give us a strong emotion that a part of us needs to hold on to.

Some things are worth keeping, memories of loved ones that might not be with us anymore, and since I apparently love to overshare, on this subject, I have a ziplock storage bag with a best and a sweater that belonged to my grandma, and I knew I was going to miss her, just knowing that I could see her, see the love she had for us was something that many times I took for granted, and now I can’t take them out of that bag for more than a couple of minutes, because it still smells like her, and in a way it’s how I feel close to her.

But, I also have so many things that just act like weights while I am trying to swim.  And I say many times that I will get a couple of days to check everything and do a proper cleaning only to end up with one, maybe two garbage bags and not much difference.

Same goes for emotions, for pain, for dreams that didn’t happen, for things that we probably wish we could change, and what for?

Imagine waking up one day and not feeling angry with someone who did something that affected your life, imagine looking at something that you haven’t used in months or even years (cough, cough, like 2 pairs of jeans), and just having that free space, both physically and mentally!

What’s the ultimate goal in your life? Mine is to have peace, like real peace.  I want to be with my parents and not feel any frustration, I want to look at the mirror and not hope to look different, I want to be ok with being tired sometimes just because my body needs the rest, I want to go into my craft/sewing room and get rid of a bunch of things and not see them as prospect projects.

We allow so many things to disrupt our lives.  I just ask you to think every time that someone, or something makes you feel uncomfortable, angry, sad, or any other unpleasant thing you feel, what is it really what’s bothering you. 

I used to be angry with my mom, for the longest time I couldn’t understand why she was so different with my sister compared to how she was to me. Till I finally got it! I was born premature, and my Grandad (her father whom she adored) died when I was supposed to be born.  I can’t imagine having a premature baby, dealing with the postpartum emotions and on top of that having to deal with losing one of the most important people in my life, all in one month.  She didn’t have the chance to bond with me, she did the best she could and I understood that I needed to be as independent as I could, and in her mind that’s all it was to it.  I was independent, and I learned to create a wall to feel protected, while at the same time I believed that I needed to work to be loved, like work for it! I learned to cook at an early age, just to be able to show affection and get some praise, and cooking is still one of my ways to show love. And even worse, as much as it has improved my inner child still hurts, and I have days that I still feel hurt, but understanding her has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders.

And if you think about it, not only people close to us have hurt us, deeply, some people seem to just bee mean and A**holes, until you know that so many people are living with as much or more fear than you, they might have even more insecurities than you and this is the only way they know how to cope with it. 

So many people have learned that being a D**k is a way to show power that humiliating others can make you feel better about yourself. And I am sorry to say that so many of these people will never see anything wrong with the way they are, or even worse, they are aware of it, deep down they don’t want to hurt anyone, but they never learned to control their emotions, and how to work on themselves instead of using others.

The fastest you accept that we can’t change how people behave, but we can control how their behavior affects our life, the fastest you can start to heal, to see that letting go of things, pain, unhealthy relationships is a scary but wonderful feeling. 

I’m not saying it is easy, all I’m saying is that a process that requires work and takes time, but at the end is absolutely worth it!

One of the weirdest things we do as humans is self-sabotage.

Do you know what I mean?  When you are trying to lose weight and start to making progress, you know that awesome feeling to see numbers dropping, then you give in to the urge to indulge and fall of the wagon, and this is all ok… If we got right back on.  But instead, these little indulgences just keep on happening and the easiest way to go about it is to lie to ourselves and start again, next Monday.

That is the same that happens with so many things, you know you need more sleep, for goodness sakes sometimes when you look at the mirror is like watching a character from the walking dead, and at that moment you promise that tonight, I am going to bed earlier, and you might do it for a couple of nights, but then old habits just come back and get back in the same place they were.

What about having peace in your life? WE all have that one thing that triggers all the wrong emotions in us, but for some reason, you want to leave them, but you can’t, you know that person that isn’t really your friend, that makes you feel awful, but at the same time, you can’t help yourself and remain in contact, those videos that give you anxiety, but you are subscribe to receive them, or just watch them so often that now they are part of your feed in any social media platform that you use.

There is this dark part of us that somehow enjoys suffering, even the people that say they don’t and will never, I can assure you, that at some point they have and most likely secretly do. 

I think that’s why we are so fascinated with scandals from famous people. There is a part of us that believe they have achieved all the things we can’t and probably will never do or have in our lives, but then you go and find an article, post, news segment showing how they are not so different to you.  

And then we have to ask, why?  Why are some people more inclined to stick to routines, to regiments, to maintain a steady path that keeps going higher and higher.

Well, I have a couple of ideas.  Do you think is because they were honest with themselves? They fully accepted that things halfway most of the time are the same as nothing, or even more harmful.  

If I tell you that you have two choices to reach the weight you always wanted?  The first option is to wake up every day early, meditate and then work out, drink only water while doing this, oh! Because you also need to fast for sixteen hours, then you need to stop getting food from restaurants and need to cook at least 95% of your meals and you need to do this for the rest of your life, switching a couple of things here and there, but sticking to this regiment.

The second option is to take a pill that will make the weight loss happen, we don’t know how it really works, or what’s in it, and there is a high probability that you get some serious stomach issues and long term develops some permanent health issues, but the chances are not that big, I mean you probably have seen the testimonials, and it seems safe enough. 

Let’s be honest, which one would you choose?

I am pretty sure that if you are being honest you’ll go with the second one, at least in your head, but we all know how this is wrong and the first option is actually the right one. 

Want to know how I am this sure about this? Because I have been there so many times! You and I always want to find the easiest way to get the fastest result with the least amount of effort without considering that they are just temporary fixes that don’t come for free.

I love, LOVE!!!! Sweats, baking goods, carbs, you name it! All the things that seem to have something to make it super addictive.  Do you know what’s worse? I love to bake and I am pretty decent about it.  I used to lie to myself that whatever I had made wasn’t bad, I wasn’t eating it every day, I used less sugar than most people and I barely tasted it.  

You know that you have done this when you know all of this is just BS, You ate a whole piece of that cake and called it a taste.  And you know how you knew it was more than a taste? Because your body showed you.  You probably woke up the next day and felt “Puffy”, well which is called inflammation and is your body telling you that whatever that was, it wasn’t good for your health, and as we age we keep getting more and more warning signs that we just ignore until ignoring them isn’t an option.  And then we go to the doctor, and you hear the same two options I gave you before, and here we go again.  What do you honestly think you’ll choose?

As I am writing here I am thinking how much I would love to have something “forbidden” right now or go quickly to the ice cream shop that is so good! And use the excuse to go out with my husband since we can’t really go to a restaurant, we can at least have that romantic eating ice cream in the car, and I can think of many other things.

Do you know what’s the ultimate solution? Honesty, but honesty with yourself, to for once value things long-term, not just the quick fix or immediate satisfaction.

Now, the last thing I can leave for you is to ask yourself, What are you willing to do to achieve your goals?  Put the work regardless of the effort to achieve a long term, finally becoming who you’ve always meant to be, or keep trying quick fixes with results that go away even faster than you can think?

The biggest challenge, at least for me, has been to learn to love myself, to appreciate myself, and to accept that I deserve better, but that I have to take responsibility and I am the only one that can choose what’s more important, having 5 minutes enjoying something, or being able to do things with my family and be there for them. 

In a lot of cultures, you should go to college, get a degree and that was going to be what you were going to do for the rest of your life, regardless of how you felt about it. 

But times change, life changes and not everyone has the same options, circumstances, and definitely, not everyone has the same opportunities. 

Now in 2021, we have noticed how things are changing, more and more people are working from home, creating new opportunities and other ways to make a living with more freedom and rewards. 

Years ago, I felt some level of shame that I didn’t get to finish college, but things in my life didn’t help me to get a degree.

I have done different kinds of jobs, from office to working in construction, cleaning, as I mentioned before I worked in a lab, being a realtor and I am sure there are other things that I have done.

Having done so many things means that I can do pretty much everything, and it’s allowed me the freedom to change and know that no matter how scared I am, I know deep down that I’ll figure out the way to make it, and with time be good at it. 

Is this the best way to go about your life? Hell no! And at the same time, it’s not something for everyone.  

I have learned most things on my own, a lot of times by doing all the wrong things first, and then figuring out the right way.  But isn’t this what life is about?

We wouldn’t be who we are if our ancestors didn’t try things and created the careers that existed.  Someone had to defend another person in a conflict, and then laws were created, and voila! We have lawyers.

We used to have medicine people, now we have doctors and thankfully we have done a lot of advances, but what we don’t think about is all the trials and errors that happened before we arrived where we are.  And even more important, if someone didn’t dare try something new, and pretty sure with plenty of opposition we wouldn’t have things like antibiotics.

If people didn’t try new things we wouldn’t have skyscrapers, airplanes, cars, smartphones, or even this blog.

So many good things exist because someone tried something new, that I can’t understand why there is this shadow of shame to someone that has done many things and that is willing to do many more.

We need to normalized starting new things regardless of age, we need to normalize that not everyone can afford to have professional training, and we need to encourage people to try new things, that it’s ok to change your mind about what you want to, that you are not the same person when you graduate high school, college, or even after working in the same job for years, you need to be able to say that this is not the right thing for me and move towards something that brings joy.

I know, very well that many times it’s now an option to leave your job, and you live from one check to the next, and not being able to get that money can set you into a hole, and getting out of it is more difficult every time. 

Now, that being said, sometimes the only way to make a change and finally doing what you want, what you dreamed, and what makes you happy is when life makes the decision for you and drops you into the unknown.

Life is unexpected, our world is changing rapidly, the way we live is changing, new generations have different priorities, and the world we grew up in, is not the same and will not be the same.  Change is constant and necessary. 

So, next time that someone says anything about a jack of all trades, just think about a person that is capable to survive, even when they don’t believe it themselves  

I guess I will start with introducing my self. 

My name is Juanita, I was born in Bogota, Colombia, where I lived until I was 18 or 19 (I am in my 40’s, so it’s been a long time).  I moved to the United States with my son, who at the time he was a baby.

I’ve had quite an eventful life, but I am not going to bore anyone with the details (besides, I’ve been working on a book for quite a while, but that is a different post).

There are so many things that have made me who I am today, many others that I had a very hard time processing and accepting.  I mean if you ever had something difficult to live through, you’ll understand that being in denial just makes it so much easier to live.

If you know me, writing is something I’ve always done. It has always been a  way to process my thoughts and experiences.  This blog was actually created over 13 years ago.  But then things happened, my life changed, my priorities shifted and I let it die, like literally.  All my posts got lost between my iMac dying and the former service I used for hosting.

I believe writing helps clear your mind and see things from a more objective point of view, and as much as it hurt to lose all the work I had put on my original blog, I am thankful for the clean opportunity.  To begin with, I am not the same person I was back there, my life was so different, the way I felt about myself is different, I am less afraid of some things and more afraid of others, my health did a 180 and my dreams had to adapt to my new reality. 

In the last 10 years, so many have changed, I met my husband, and I understood the difference of being with the right person for me, as someone very dear to me once told me “there aren’t good or bad people, just people that are right or wrong for you”, and that is something I always keep close to my heart, we have grown together as persons and as a couple, my boy is no longer a kid (well, to me he will always be my kid), he is a man that makes me very proud every day. 

We live in a different state, I went from having one dog to have two dogs and two cats.

So, as you can see, there is so much to say, to share, and hopefully be able to help people that are going through the same things I did and just share ideas and opinions. 

The only thing left to say here is that I am back!